For some reason since last weekend, even though the 2 days went better, I am not in the most positive mood. That is a bit depressing. Having to face the fact (part I already knew) that while I am the only one really trying to help my husband, he criticizes me behind my back, making it appear nothing is wrong with him, just me. It appears we just have a bad marriage (which we do), and he just has a controlling wife (which he may). But that is not all there is to it. When I found out, by his admission, that last year when I was trying to deal with people at his work about how he was doing, his benefits and all, he was talking negative about me. No wonder they misunderstood what I was trying to do. No wonder, they all of a sudden have a protocal to follow that won't allow them to speak with me about anything, even though I have a durable power of attorney. While to me, he was encouraging me to speak with them, to them he was making me out to be controlling and a pain in the a--. That really upsets me.
Since we have only been married for 7 1/2 years, I am rather the newby on the block. He has worked for this same company for 31 years and is doing mediocre work. He is not excelling in anything anymore. Last night I told him on the phone that if he does not have a degenerative disease but is just being forgettful and obstinate, then I want out. I can tell that if he does have Alzheimer's that he really wants me to stay and be there for him, but if he doesn't, he does not want to give me anything in the case of divorce. Over the past few years, we have made some really bad financial decisions. We both made them, like buying a big house we should not have bought. You see one problem that we had when getting married at 49 was I could not really ask how much money he made. Whenever we wanted something I would say, "I can't afford that. Can you?" It was always "Yes." Well, really too many things went on credit cards or loans. Now we are suffering from it.
Last night I explained to him that I know he has been financially hurt over these past few years like I have. I also explained that while everything I made (since I am self-employed) went to our living expenses. I have saved nothing, while he has a pension and savings automatically taken out of his pay for his retirement fund before he even gets paid. So while he may be in a bad financial situation too, he has continued to accumulate a retirement fund and of course the pension through his work. I raised grandchildren for 7 years and worked part-time, saving nothing. Everything I made went for groceries, clothes, utilities, gasoline, gifts, etc. You know what I mean. Even the inheritance from my dad went into the house, which we may eventually lose.
If my husband truly has a degenerative brain disease and I stay to take care of him, once he is gone I will have a small widow's benefit from his pension and life insurance from him. I am sure whatever he has in his retirement fund will go for his care. If he doesn't have the dreaded disease, I certainly don't want to wait until I am 80 for some small widow's benefit. Perhaps this sounds cold, but not having had a long loving marriage does not motivate me in wanting things to stay as they are for the next 20 - 30 years.
I don't want to be cold and calculating. I just don't know what to do. I am also concerned that our next appointment with the neuropsychologist willl just be inconclusive. I just want to know if my husband's problem is degenerative or if he is just plain forgetful and odd. He wasn't like this when I married him, or was I so consumed with taking care of young children that I just didn't notice.
I'm confused.
Emma
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I think my husband may have early onset Alzheimer's either that or he is just really passive aggressive. I have just started to read your blog, I've already been reading a lot on the web today and my eyes are tired. He is quite scary to be with sometimes and I know a divorce will not be fun, he plays nasty about money. We have a 6 year old daughter. His father died at around age 65 from Alzheimer's and I'm pretty sure his grandmother on that side of the family did too. They don't talk about it and there is not much family on his father's side anyway. His father was always a major grump and unsociable. Lousy father. My husband's parents divorced when he was around 10.
ReplyDeleteOh, we are both 42 years old by the way. I also call him the King of Chaos, it's all so weird and hard to describe (if there is anyway to screw up or forget something he does it), and makes me sound like I'm being a bitch, but I'm not, I'm a very patient person but after 15 years, I don't have the energy anymore. Instead of working on himself, he gets all indignant. Sometimes for short spurts he will work on being better but it doesn't last for long. We are trying our 3rd marriage counselor. **sigh** not what I wanted for our/my future. My last ultimatum a couple of years ago for not getting a divorce was for him to get a time planner and use it, but he did it only for a month or so.
ReplyDeleteHi im julie i feel for all of you however try and be patient. my aunt died of alzheimers at a young age, my mum has got it and now at 42 i have been told i have. It is a most horrible ande horrific illness not just for the person who has it but the loved ones. you feel that you have lost your loved one its hard for me when my mum asks hows you mum. my mum is my best friend she was allways there for me. i have two children they are going to go through what i wenratit through and it breaks my heart. the only good thing to come out of this is that i seeked help i went to see the doctors as i knew the symptoms so i will get treatment that will slow it down. i know its hard but yoy mustnt let this illness win your love ones who have it need you more than ever it is frustrating for them just be there for them and give them qulity of life. juliex my email adress is juliehumphrey.68@live.co.uk
ReplyDeleteCaregiving for my new husband back when for 8 of our 10 years of marriage before he died adored and at peace weeks after a tragic hospital mistake was life-altering indeed: greatest and most appreciated learning experience of my life. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I chose to change myself and was determined to adapt well; expecting others to change or to control what is beyond one's control is, after all, futily. I didn't try to change my husband; I changed my expectations. It was he, not I, who was struck with dementia and facing the biggest changes that the disease would bring about. What I could control was learning, being a devoted and loving caregiver, strengthening my compassion and patience, etc. The depth of our bond and the love, respect, and admiration we shared was, and remains in my memory, nothing short of unforgettable and inspiring. We brought out the best in each other. None of his dozen serious chronic conditions could weaken our positive attitudes if we didn't let them. We saw firsthand that one thing indeed can transform any dreaded disease, any of life's biggest challenges, and does live on after death: LOVE. We made a conscious effort to make the best of our marriage vows despite the diseases; we threw out selfishness and open our minds to learning more. We chose love and virtue. We chose those ideals as our path to move through all of it and past life's superficialities and any naysayers, any gloom viewers, and any adversity. We truly made the best of what we could and in the end we were witness to the joys of true love and friendship. With Gods' grace, we had kept our promise at the forefront, where it belonged: "Love is patient, love is kind..." (1 Corinthians 13:4)
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