Since I live most of the week with one of my grown daughter’s and her family (to save my sanity), I go home weekly to check on things. I want to make sure my house hasn't burned down, literally and clean up any dog or cat mess that may have been neglected, plus check to see if my husband is actually taking his meds. Also to see if he has bought something other than dog food and chocolate chips with the grocery allowance that I have given him.
I bought groceries and spent about 6 hours cooking. I made him 12 dinners with about 4 different varieties. I bought freezer containers and froze them. I made sure they were healthy. Each contained a whole grain (whole wheat pasta or brown rice), a complete protein, and a vegetable. He usually won't cook himself any food and lives on peanut butter and tuna fish sandwiches. I want him to eat more variety than that, and I don't want the grocery money spent only on dog food, chocolate chips and occasionally cereal, bread, and milk. So I bought and prepared almost everything he needed, and then gave him $10 for any extra milk or fruit he made need for the week.
My husband has agreed to call me nightly when he takes his meds, so I know that he took them. He usually forgets. If I call him, he will always tell me that he took them. But that doesn't really mean that he took them. So this past Wednesday night, I called him since I had not heard from him in a few days. I asked him if he was still mad at me and was not calling me to keep me informed about his meds on purpose. He insisted that no he was not still angry with me and assured me that he had taken his meds on Wednesday night but just forgot to call me. I asked him, "Are you sure you took them?" He insisted that he did. He stated, “I was in the kitchen talking with Melvin (our housemate) and took them in front of him." The next day, I felt I needed to go home and check on things. I have an uncanny intuitiveness about certain things. I have one daughter who insists I am psychic that is why people can't keep secrets from me. I do not declare myself psychic at all, but I am intuitive when it comes to my family. So on Thursday I went home (only about an hour away). I walked around the house to see if everything was okay. Right now (Perhaps I have mentioned this) we are renting out some of our bedrooms to 4 men who are working for a few months building a local power plant. They are good men and it helps us financially. Plus when I go home I don't have to see the bedrooms that were our granddaughters' when they lived with us. I only cry when I see their rooms. Anyway, I went around our home. In my husband's bathroom, he still had the little space heater on, which is a fire hazard if left unattended. I unplugged it. (Later, I went to the store and bought a safer type of heater for his bathroom.) I went into the living room and found some dried out dog poop that had been stepped on. Our renters do not use the living room. They all have computers and T.V.s in their bedrooms. They have their bedrooms and share 2 bathrooms, laundry room, and the large kitchen. But my husband and I use the living room, my home office, and our bedroom, and I have my own bathroom that the men do not use. This is getting lengthy I know. I am being slow at getting to my point.
When I went into the kitchen I noticed another area where the dog had pooped and peed. My husband had put paper towels to soak up the pee and forgot it. I had to scrub the floor and baseboards to get it clean. I also noticed the disgusting litter box. So I cleaned it. I then noticed that my husband had NOT taken his meds on Wednesday night. The doors had been left unlatched (not just unlocked), and all of the downstairs lights were on.
When he got home, I took him into the kitchen and showed him his weekly medication container. Only Wednesday had any meds in it. I showed him that he had NOT taken his Wednesday night's meds, like he thought. He got defensive and insisted he had taken them. I showed him the container and insisted he had not. He got frustrated with me and insisted that he must have taken Thursday's by mistake. He insisted that I could ask Melvin for he was talking with him Wednesday night when he took them. Melvin got home late and my husband had already gone to bed. I waited up for Melvin. It is not cool to have to drag my renter into something like this. But I was determined to know exactly what had happened. I told Melvin what my husband had said and asked him if that was accurate. He replied, "No, I did not see him take them last night. That was a few nights ago, but not last night." So the next day, I explained to my husband what Melvin had said. I explained to him as nicely as I could, "Your memory is accurate. You do remember taking your meds in front of Melvin. The problem is you do not remember when the memory occurred. it did not happen last night but a few days ago." He was a tiny bit defensive but very sober about it.
I have been in communication with one of his sisters who lives in the U.S. but not in the lower 48 states. So she is far away. I have confided in her about my frustration because I knew she cares about her brother and would not advise me to leave him and only take care of myself. That is usually the advice I get from my family and friends. They hate to see what I am going through and the high stress I am under. So I felt safe talking to her. But apparently my anxiety and stress makes me appear overbearing, yet she "thinks" I am sincere. I did what some might think as the unthinkable. I read my husband’s emails to and from his sister. I was quite annoyed. I am made out to be the boogey man; who is overbearing. My husband is sick of me following him around "bashing" him. His sister mentioned something about she knows that I want what is best. But then made the comment about am I wanting what is just best for me? I was shocked. What is best for me? None of this is best for me. What is best for me was having a healthy marriage and raising my grandchildren. All of that has been unkindly ripped away from me and I am heart broken. My oldest daughter has her children (I raised for 7 years) and will not let me have contact with them. So his sister's email and his email was a bit upsetting.
I calmly sat down with him and told him that I had read his and his sister's emails. I explained to him the frustration I felt. I, as nicely as I could, explained why I am tried of stressing myself out, monitoring everything, putting up with his lies, and his forgetfulness, and then I am being made out to be the Boogie man?
According to the book I am reading "The 36 hour day" everything I am experiencing is common. My frustration is normal. My husband's confusion and blaming me is part of the disease, and the lack of support from other family members is common. Boy, I am a text book example of everything it seems.
After speaking with my husband, he actually seemed to understand my position and realized that I am his advocate not his enemy. He said he would email his sister and explain things better. I said, "Please do it right now, or you will not do it." So he actually did. This is a copy of the email he wrote her. I so appreciated it.
"Marilyn, I think I am confusing the issues. I see things more clearly today, but may not tomorrow. 'Emma' may be "bashing" me when in reality she is only documenting my weirdness and then relating it to me. I have to learn, or realize (remember) that is what is going on. She is my advocate, not my enemy. She is the one that sees what I do daily and nobody else is that tuned in. She is the one that will demand all the tests because I cannot figure out that I need them. This is all very difficult for the both of us. It will not be easy. I will have to come back to this message to remind myself.
It's not her way. Her way was having a healthy marriage and raising the grandchildren and all that has been ripped away from us and she is grieving terribly. It's our way. How is all this going to turnout for all of us? Time will tell. Pray for her. Pray for me."
My husband actually printed out the email and taped in on the wall by his computer desk at home. That way he can read it daily and help remind himself that I am his advocate, not his enemy. That helped the weekend tremendously. On Friday night, we watched a Star Trek movie, had a delicious dessert, and had a fire in the fireplace. This weekend was definitely better that last week.
Emma James
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