Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Pseudo-Dementia caused by depression

While at this point the tests show that my husband's illness is pseudo-dementia caused by depression and is treatable, life is still very frustrating. After being on the anti-depressants for over a month now, I can see some improvements in some things, but still much needed improvement in other things. He now remembers how to do computer things that he had forgotten, but he still forgets some very important conversations. The problem still is that he forgets that he may forget.

I still have to be in charge of his medication because he forgets to take them at least half of the time. Tonight before going to bed (he was already in bed), I checked to see if he had taken his meds. He had not. I woke him up to take his meds. He insisted that he had already taken them and didn't believe me that he had forgotten. I insisted he come to the kitchen so he could look for himself. I had the packets labeled with dates so I would know if he missed any. When he saw that he had NOT taken Tuesday's meds, he insisted it was Monday. "No today was not Monday; it was Tuesday. So half asleep, he just took what I gave him.

While I am very relieved that he does not, according to the doctor's, have early onset Alzheimer's, pseudo-dementia caused by depression is still very frustrating. I cannot count on him getting things straight from the doctor or our attorney. And when he promises that he will tell them to communicate with me because he might forget things, I can't count on that he will remember to tell them that. So I still must go to all doctor's appointments and communicate with attorneys on issues. It frustrates me that he insists that he will remember to tell them that he might forget what they say, so to communicate with me.

It was recommended to him to get counseling on his own to help deal with this. The problem is, because of lack of emotions, he doesn't see the problems. I wrote notes in a spiral notebook for him to take to the therapist, so he will remember to tell her certain things, like if I need to know something, he will probably forget to tell me.

The doctor that gave him the neuropsych tests called and told us that if things do not improve down the road, he can get retested several months from now. We now have the first tests to compare to. While that is really good, somehow I just wasn't comforted enough to take away the worry.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Other Illnesses that Mimic Alzheimer's

The past couple of months have been enormously stressful. Finally, my husband completed all of the neuropsychiatric tests and blood work. The results? Actually, we were told that he didn't have Alzheimer's after all. He has pseudo-dementia caused by depression. My husband's response? I don't feel depressed. The doctor convinced him to give the anti-depressants a try.

I was very elated that we are not dealing with Alzheimer's. Yet while there is a huge weight lifted from me, my heart is still heavy. Will the medicine work to help him get back to normal? He has only been on the meds for a bit over a week, so it's too early to tell. So of course he still forgets things, will have an unexpected short temper toward a child, and still make manage to mess up our finances. So at this moment, I'm not feeling enormously relieved. Yes, relieved that I don't have to start planning for long-term care for him in the next few years, but still wishing he had never met me. He was a happy go lucky type of guy (I am told) before my children, grandchildren, and myself came into his nice quiet bachelor lifestyle. It is no wonder he is depressed. So I feel it is all my fault. I just want him to be happy. So I find myself planning on how I can financially get on my feet better so he can leave me and get back to the happy person he was.

I know I'm blabbing, but I will probably discontinue this new Blog soon, since the problems we face are not what I thought, but still very difficult. I'm still praying a lot pleading with Christ to direct my path.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

When inappropriateness happens

My grown daughters have complained at times because they thought my husband seemed to be inappropriate with them in the past by things he said to them. This was a couple of years ago. If I believed them at all I just tried to explain that he didn't mean things the way they took it. It has caused hurt feelings between some of my daughters and me because of this.

Yesterday my husband was telling me about the time years ago when he and his first wife and their young son went to see his father who had early onset Alzheimer's disease. His father looked at the child and couldn't remember his name and merely said, "Oh you brought the kids with you." Then at that point, he saw my husband's wife (who he really did know) and went towards her as if he was coming on to her. My husband could spot right away what was happening and merely steeped in and said, "Dad, this is my wife." His dad hesitated and finally realized and remembered his wife. The wife was very put off. She didn't understand how he could act so out of character.

When my husband told me this story, which he had told me before, I said to him, "Now, can you understand why my daughters were put off when you said things to them that could be taken as "coming on to them?" He thought about it a bit, and finally realized that yes he could see how that could happened. And even finally admitted that perhaps he had behaved poorly. I expect he will forget that he could see how he contributed to their put off feelings and will go back to blaming them for being so ridiculous and over-reacting.

I explained my husband's story about his own dad to one of my grown daughter's who he had offended and she finally said, "Well, that does explain why he would act out of character." I think she was relieved to know I really did believe her. I was just trying so long to support my husband and I of course had no idea what was going on with him. I knew in his right thinking he would never say something as inappropriate as he had said.

He has become more moody lately. He was always the rock and I was the moody one, so this is difficult. Today while I was trying to talk with him, he said, "You hate me don't you?" I thought what a horrible thing to say. I assured him that I did not hate him. I told him that I do not feel hate for anyone. He of all people should know that. But I was frustrated and he interpreted that as me hating him. I asked him if he could remember to please NEVER accuse me of hating him. I may be hurting, but I am not hating anyone.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Watching my intelligent husband forget things makes me cry

Tonight I am crying a lot. My little dog is even concerned about me. She comes up to me and wines and puts her paws on my lap and wants to lick my hands to make me feel better. She, of course, doesn't understand why I am crying but seems to understand that I am in pain. It concerns her to the point that she won't leave my side.

At what point will I have to explain to everyone what is going on? Now I understand why sometimes I have felt like I was dealing with a 5 year old in a man's body. My husband is so intelligent and sometimes so high functioning and then other times can't make a decision about anything, and I have to give instructions on everything. The latter is becoming much more often.

I seem to always be caught unprepared. Today we were out mowing the lawn together. I use the push power and he uses the riding mower. He would ask me where he should mow and I would show him. He then asked me if he had ever told me that once he owned 24 acres in the next county. I wasn't feeling very nice and said, "Yes, about 100 times. You have even showed it to me." Then I felt bad for the way I said it. But I don't even think he even knew I was being rude.

Sometimes our conversations seem so normal and other times I feel like I am trying to reason with a 3 year old. And I am very worried how this is all going to affect the grandchildren we are raising. When I think about how frustrated they already get at times and that it is going to get much worse, I just cry. They do not know there is something wrong with him. And because they are still young, they will never know him as being normal when they are older. When I think about that, I cry more. Then I think about him forgetting them, I cry even harder. I sob for the children.

We have a video camera, but my husband has forgotten how to make the DVD's from it, and I never knew how. I need to learn. I need to take a lot of video's of the children with him, so they can remember him in a happy way. But I must learn how to make the DVD's. Why does it scare me so? It is very overwhelming. I am quite an intelligent person, so I don't know why I am so afraid of all of the things I do not know how to do. He loved all of the electronic gadgets and I didn't. Sure I like taking digital pictures and I know how to crop them, upload them, download them etc., but making DVD's with the video camera is more complicated then the old video cameras of days gone by where you just taped right onto the VHS and then put it in your video player and watched it.

Everything seems to scare me right now, so I just cry and pray for strength and a way to make more money to make up for what we will lose when he leaves his job on disability. I have ideas, but I can't accomplish them if I cry all of the time.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Today's Journey

We are on vacation right now. So far everything is going fine. However, I feel sick inside. I am so scared of what lies ahead that I do not understand. And I still can't tell the difference sometimes when my husband's behavior is part of the disease or just a personality quirk. We've only been married seven years, and I believe the beginnings of this dreaded disease started long before I actually started sending him to the doctor (I didn't go along) 3 years ago with my complaints of his memory and changes in personality.

I feel like I have him under a microscope, examining everything. I feel really sad about this, but I am trying to figure out just what he does and does not remember about things. I also know after he has been on the medicine for a month, I am gong to be asked if I see a difference. It seems the more I talk to him about the past several years, the more confused I become. What his family tells me about the way he was years ago is something I have never even seen. Changes are so subtle, that I really do not know when a decline started.

He still is quite high functioning when compared with where he is headed. He still works, just at a lower level, he can play games with the kids, and he still drives. However, his driving scares me. I know that he does not do well trying to focus on more than one thing at a time. It seems to be something that he just cannot do. So when he is driving and is looking at the scenery along the road rather than the road, I keep reminding him to keep his eyes on the road. But after a short time, he will ask me about something that is way off the road. I will look up from my book to see him looking way off to the left or right at something, wondering what it is. I then fuss at him and tell him to keep his eyes on the road. He has always done most of the driving when we go places and I am use to taking a book or two or three along to read while I ride. I can see it will be soon when I will be doing the driving. I keep expecting him to remember that he doesn't focus well on more than one thing at a time and that he will stop site seeing while he drives.

This is very confusing and I still want to believe that I am just blowing things out of proportions. But when he forgot that he had been on cholesterol medication and insisted that he only took it for one month last summer and the doctor looked in his chart and saw something very different, then I realize I am not making this up. I was glad that the doctor could talk to him personally and he could tell the doctor that he didn't remember being on cholesterol medication. The doctor then told my husband that he was first put on it in 2001 (before we even met). My husband's reply, "Really?"

When we get home from vacation, I am going to the pharmacy and get a record of medications he has been on for cholesterol and high blood pressure, so I can tell how often he really took it. I remembered him being on it, but he didn't. I did not think I needed to keep track of his medication. I had grandchildren to raise and worry about, and he seemed very capable of taking care of himself.

Now, I monitor all medication and my heart aches, because sometimes he seems so normal and other times he does not. I feel so alone and frightened. That statement is an understatement. I don't really even know how to describe my real feelings.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Gee What was his name?

My husband doesn't usually recognize that his memory is a problem. But the other day it was obvious to him and gave him pause to think. He was driving down a road called James Madison. That made him think about Thomas Jefferson and Monticello, the beautiful estate Jefferson built. The problem was he couldn't think of the name of Thomas Jefferson. That bothered him, because that is not the kind of thing he would ever forget. As he thought about it, he remembered that Peter Jefferson was also a name of a road he knew and that Peter Jefferson was the brother. Finally, Thomas, yes, Thomas Jefferson built Monticello. He was pleased that he was able to remember by piecing things together like a puzzle.

Monday, April 6, 2009

No longer sharp as a tack

I am so use to depending on my husband to know the things I don't know. I still keep expecting him to. But even in the very early stages of early onset Alzheimer's, he has changed. So when we get in a silly argument over whether or not the old tractor we have is out of gas, it can be very frustrating. The other day we had just this argument. The old tractor that we needed to get running to help mow our huge area wasn't working right. I will hire someone to come and fix it, but in the meantime we did get it running, a bit.

The problem was we were arguing over what was wrong with it. It needed a new battery. We should have just gone a bought a new one rather than trying to charge up this very old battery that was not going to keep a charge anyway. But the most frustrating was when I told him the tractor was out of gas and he argued with me and insisted it had plenty of gas in it. That was a stupid argument, yet it was frustrating. While I was frustrated, I tried to put the gas cap back on, but it flipped out of my hand and I dropped it. My husband gave me an angry look (NOT like him at all) and jumped back like I was throwing it at him. I quickly said, "I didn't throw that at you. I dropped it." I expected him to bend down and pick it up for me, since it had fallen near where he was standing. Instead he just gave me an angry glare and walked away. I asked him what in the world was wrong. He replied that he thought I was throwing the cap at him. That upset me. I asked him, "Have I ever thrown anything at you or hit you at all, ever?" I already knew the answer. I had not. But he simply said, "I don't know." Then that upset me.

Boy, do I have a lot to learn. What I should have done when I noticed the gas tank was empty was simply and calmly gone and gotten the gas cans and put gas in the tractor, rather than trying to convince him I was right.

My husband said something profound to me last night. I believe the Spirit of the Lord or my guardian angel was prompting him what to say to get through to me. My husband knows that I am very much into Energy Healing and practice on my children a lot. I can calm them down when they are upset simply by placing my hands on them while focusing on being very calm and visualizing that I am an open channel allowing healing energy to flow through me to them. When I can feel the energy swirling through my hands and they can feel the energy swirling through them, we know we are connected and they instantly relax.

Well last night, my husband said, "You know how you have stated that you hate feeling like my mother. Well just picture yourself as my healer instead." Now I do not expect to actually heal him from Alzheimer's but perhaps by taking his advice, I can help us both relax, be less afraid, and feel more connected to one another. So I must get off my high horse and visualize myself as a humble healer.

The beginning of our Journey with Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease

I am creating this blog not only to help myself but in hopes of reaching others who may have a spouse suffering with early onset Alzheimer's disease. My husband is only 55 and I am 50. This is not what I had expected to be experiencing at our age. I admit I am frightened. We are only now in the process of getting the diagnosis, but we really know in our hearts that we are facing an unpleasant future. My husband's father died of early onset Alzheimer's disease when he was 57. We need the diagnosis to confirm what we already know so that my husband can retire from his long 30 year career through his company's long-term disability program rather than simply being forced to retire early. This economic crisis has crippled his retirement savings. Even with his company's long-term disability program, his income will be cut in half. Our lifestyle will undergo major changes, especially with children still at home.

I have already had to take over the family finances, communicate with his supervisor and learn what I dreaded most (that he was declining rapidly at work), and be in charge of his medical appointments, and legal issues. At least I know that I am not making things up now. Over the past few years, I thought he just didn't care about me anymore. He thought he was doing so well at work, so I believed his not remembering what we talked about was because of me. I would get upset when he promised to do things and forgot, or when he stopped listening in the middle of a conversation, or when he sounded so angry for no apparent reason.

When he finally started getting demoted at work, we had to finally face what life was really going to be like. I know that on my own I am not strong enough for everyone to lean on, but with strength from the Lord, I will become stronger. I remind myself to express love and compassion, and I must remember when my husband forgets what he promises to do or acts odd and confusing to me, that he is sick. It is NOT because he doesn't care about me or love me anymore. It is not about me. It is about what is happening to him.