Today's Journey

We are on vacation right now. So far everything is going fine. However, I feel sick inside. I am so scared of what lies ahead that I do not understand. And I still can't tell the difference sometimes when my husband's behavior is part of the disease or just a personality quirk. We've only been married seven years, and I believe the beginnings of this dreaded disease started long before I actually started sending him to the doctor (I didn't go along) 3 years ago with my complaints of his memory and changes in personality.

I feel like I have him under a microscope, examining everything. I feel really sad about this, but I am trying to figure out just what he does and does not remember about things. I also know after he has been on the medicine for a month, I am gong to be asked if I see a difference. It seems the more I talk to him about the past several years, the more confused I become. What his family tells me about the way he was years ago is something I have never even seen. Changes are so subtle, that I really do not know when a decline started.

He still is quite high functioning when compared with where he is headed. He still works, just at a lower level, he can play games with the kids, and he still drives. However, his driving scares me. I know that he does not do well trying to focus on more than one thing at a time. It seems to be something that he just cannot do. So when he is driving and is looking at the scenery along the road rather than the road, I keep reminding him to keep his eyes on the road. But after a short time, he will ask me about something that is way off the road. I will look up from my book to see him looking way off to the left or right at something, wondering what it is. I then fuss at him and tell him to keep his eyes on the road. He has always done most of the driving when we go places and I am use to taking a book or two or three along to read while I ride. I can see it will be soon when I will be doing the driving. I keep expecting him to remember that he doesn't focus well on more than one thing at a time and that he will stop site seeing while he drives.

This is very confusing and I still want to believe that I am just blowing things out of proportions. But when he forgot that he had been on cholesterol medication and insisted that he only took it for one month last summer and the doctor looked in his chart and saw something very different, then I realize I am not making this up. I was glad that the doctor could talk to him personally and he could tell the doctor that he didn't remember being on cholesterol medication. The doctor then told my husband that he was first put on it in 2001 (before we even met). My husband's reply, "Really?"

When we get home from vacation, I am going to the pharmacy and get a record of medications he has been on for cholesterol and high blood pressure, so I can tell how often he really took it. I remembered him being on it, but he didn't. I did not think I needed to keep track of his medication. I had grandchildren to raise and worry about, and he seemed very capable of taking care of himself.

Now, I monitor all medication and my heart aches, because sometimes he seems so normal and other times he does not. I feel so alone and frightened. That statement is an understatement. I don't really even know how to describe my real feelings.